up in a day and back in forever...

(i stole that first line from scott's emo poem about his summer in texas. but i think it can be said as fitting here too. maybe its a lack of sleep, or too much time to think in the car, but tonight i am feeling i see things more clearly in the rear view mirror too.)

a whirlwind trip to the berg and back to do some more apt and job hunting has got me all contemplative. all in my head and feeling lost.
where am i going? what am i doing?
what do i want?
i don't know a lot of things...
i don't know how to do really hard math problems.
i don't know how to fix most things on my car.
i don't know what its like to wake up beside someone and have them whisper i love you.
i don't know how to finish my novel.
i don't know if i will ever finish it at all.
i don't know where the road will lead next.
i don't know if i will have the courage to take it.
i don't know what God is doing.

i try to believe still in all the things i believed as a child. in white picket fences and green eyed babies, and the knight in shining armor...i guess

here are some things that i want...
i want to be good.
i want to be someone that people find to be a source of encouragement.
i want to be a girlfriend and a wife.
i want a man who i can throw my arms around at the end of every day and say how was work?
i want a family to love and take care of.
i want children to bless and who my parents can spoil and love.
i want to know that i may not know where the road is going, but i have a best friend to walk it with.
i want to know that i can finish my novel with a happy ending because i have a happy ending to my own life.

cc once said that he was tired of living the same old short stories. i think i feel that way too.

im ready for my life to take this crazy turn of events and all of the sudden some of my wants turn into haves. i don't feel like its a lot to ask. i don't want money, or fame, or any of those types of things... just a fair shot at loving someone and being loved in return.

ah, well. the night is tired and so am i.

maybe my plot twist is coming...

poem of the day:
Longing is like the Seed
That wrestles in the Ground,
Believing if it intercede
It shall at lenghth be found.
--e.d.

today i am reading:
the hattiesburg american and craig's list

today i am listening to:
adele-19-chasing pavements
annie and the beekeepers--a pirates life
she and him-volume one-sentimental heart