smoke and ashes...

passions.
in the greek orthodox faith the word passion has more of a negative connotation. i have been told they believe that it is a powerful word that carries such strong meaning that it should almost not be used.
i can understand this. we throw words around all the time.
i love chocolate.
i love my momma.
i hate sin.
i hate broccoli.
really? the same word?
its kinda the same thing with passion.
its like you can say all day long you are passionate about something, but what do you do on a daily basis?

ive been thinking a lot lately about my passions.

i have these crazy dreams i sometimes dream...

like, i watch the trailer for whip it, drew barryomore's new movie about roller derby, and i think, i could do that! i used to rollerblade almost everyday keeping up with and sometimes even beating the boys. i have the scars to prove it~ and i look super cute in knee highs. heh.
i also have this crazy idea about auditioning for a bit part in a play or musical of some kind. i mean, even if it was just a small role, how cool would it be to say you sang in the little orphan chorus line of annie? or you were one of the nuns in the sound of music?
i also have this secret dream to be some sort of jazzy, bluesy, singer in a band like kitty, daisy and lewis, she and him or elizabeth and the catapults. singing lead while the guys in my band wail on a guitar and pound the keyboard. we would have so much soul you'd hardly be able to stand it!

i have lots of things i really like to do..
and some of them i am even decently good at.

knitting. ive made like a dozen scarves, a couple of coin purses and have a half knitted little red riding hood cape i am working on for the winter. i even have a name for my line, knit-witty.

painting.its something i have always liked to do. very abstract of course. no real mona lisa's or anything. just fun.

sewing. ok i sort of suck at this. but i still really like the idea of it and i have a few shirts that i have actually finished that are wearable.


but, are these my passions or just things to pass my time with?

ben taylor, son of james taylor and carly simon, has a voice just like his dad. you've probably heard him and just thought it was james. you hear him sing a line clear and smooth with that effortless grace his father has and you know instantly. its as if the genes were so strong that unintentionally his father passed down this gift and just like with james, you can hear instantly what his passion is. (i know someone else i think this about.)


but i guess for some of us, no matter how old we are or where we have been, its harder to figure out what our passions are.

i was talking to a good friend the other day about what she would do if she changed jobs. she's had the same job, and done very well at it, for 20 plus years, but its not necessarily her passion.


they say you should ask yourself what would you do if you won ten million in the lottery and then whatever your answer is thats what you should do with your life. i guess that sort of works.

this week the house that momma and daddy lived in when they were in raymond burned to the ground. its so strange, but it almost hurt as bad as if we were still living there. my best friend in high school had the home his daddy built burn his sophomore year and they lost everything. i remember him saying with tears in his eyes that it had struck him that all they had left were the things they had given away. i will never forget that.

i think maybe that is a better way to think about what is it that you are passionate about? what if you lost everything,not just material possessions, but everything, and all you had left were the things you had somehow managed to give away?

it reminds me of hannah in the bible and how she finally figured out that sometimes we can't obtain the desires of hearts until we get it straight and realize that ultimately nothing is our own and all must be given up to the Lord.

i guess sometimes providing for our family, putting food on the table, paying for schools, etc.. becomes our priority, but still, i think we all have something lying just beneath the surface. if we pushed back the grime that has covered our weary and laboring souls there is something there that we were created to do, something that an all knowing and intentioned father put within us as a gift to be passionate about.

so i guess what i am saying is that i am praying to finally obtain the desires of my heart. ive got things, sure, that are fun that i take up my time with, and thats ok, but im ready to live daily like i was created with purpose. at the end of the day i want to come home saying i gave of my self in such a way that if it all went up in smoke tomorrow, there'd be something still that i left behind.

today i am listening to:
ben taylor-deeper than gravity--digest
she and him--volume one-why do you let me stay here

today i am watching:
glee

today i am reading:
1 samuel 1:1-2:11

poem of the day:
Paradise is that old mansion
Many owned before-
Occupied by each an instant
Then reversed the Door-
Bliss is frugal of her Leases
Adam taught her Thrift
Bankrupt once through his excesses.
--e.d.