so my hard drive fell out.
literally.
one night in late May it fell out of my lap top and crashed to the floor.
it spent most of the summer getting fixed, and i have somehow found it difficult to blog again since it has returned home in one piece.
its hard to be honest. with my thoughts. with what has happened to me.
and if this blog is anything, its honest.
i think that my computer hard drive was lost, but i think that this was intentional. i think that the Lord was trying to teach me something.
in many ways this summer my internal hard drive was lost as well.
as Madilynn embarked upon her kindergarten journey, the family i worked for decided to put Ben and Nathan in preschool too. a decision that was, for varying reasons, an answer to my prayers, despite how much i loved the children.
and while this loss of my beloved job was major, it is still minute in comparison to this whirlwind summer.
what happened?
well, when my hard drive crashed i lost things. pictures, writings, plans for the future.
and while this was hard to stomach, it was no surprise to the Lord who had already begun to set into motion new tomorrows.
but with each new day comes the daunting task of letting go of what has come before.
i have learned much of letting go and moving on this summer.
i have been thinking a lot about how we say that God has the ability to forgive, but also to forget and i have come to a conclusion. i am no biblical scholar and maybe there is scriptural evidence that would prove me wrong, but in my opinion, He doesn't forget. He is the Creator of the Universe, the Master and Designer of thoughts and emotions. He knows our actions before they are even begun and He knows the actions that will turn us against Him. No, i don't think He forgets, i think, rather, that He chooses not to remember.
our memories can be beautiful things. a gift from the Father. but they can also be an immobilizing force that keeps us from moving on.
it seems a strange thing to be afraid of, but i was scared to drive across the Pontchartrain. i was reminded of that old country song by george i think, "for your love id swim the Pontchartrain." well just driving over it was proof of love for me!
the bridge over it is long and low. the water seems too close to the winding lanes that cause that "christopher columbus syndrome" where you feel like you are about to fall off the edge of the earth. a feeling not favorable when the croc infested waters of one of the South's largest lakes is below you. just being a passenger in the car when i was not driving scared me, and i hate to admit it, but i cried the first several times that i had to drive it solo. but the reward on the other side was always on my mind, and i found that if i just focused on that, focused on the road ahead, i could make it.
one night in particular it was raining pretty hard as i left picayune, about twenty minutes from the bridge, and i was terrified. crossing the Pontchartrain on a clear night was bad enough, but as sheets of rain came pouring down across the windshield my tears began to pour down as well and i began to pray. not just to pray, but to bargain with God. if He would just cause the rain to stop long enough for me to cross that bridge, i would try really hard not to be afraid to cross it ever again. just so long as it was dry. i was just laying these great big old worries and fears at His feet so fervently, when all of the sudden i had this thought. at that same moment in time there were women in the world dealing with much greater things that required courage. famine. wars. oppression. heartache greater than i have ever or will ever know. and here i was crying because it was raining and i had to cross a bridge.
but wouldn't you know it, just as my tires hit the bridge, the clouds moved back and revealed a crystal clear blue sky over head. maybe it was coincidence but i like to think that God wanted me to know that my problems, big or small, are not insignificant to Him. i think He wanted me to put it all into perspective, but He also wanted to remind me that He will always be with me as i press on. through my fears, over obstacles, into new tomorrows.
and so with a new hard drive in place, and with perspective in place after facing a hard drive, my summer has brought many changes. good changes.
but it has also brought the choice to let go and embrace what's ahead. clear skies or rainy days, pressing on.
oh, yeah, and i still won't hesitate...
